Avoid Tug of War with Your Child
The teacher coaches at Hemispheres Academy are always on the lookout for new resources and fresh approaches to working with children of all ages. This article resonates with many of us, both those with younger and older teenage children, so we can’t help but share it with you.
Tug of War
Have you ever asked your child to perform a simple, what should seem easy task that wouldn’t take much time? And got push back instead of task completion? At our house, it usually goes something like this:
“Please put your dishes away in the dishwasher.”
“I don’t want to now, I’ll do it later.”
“Put your dishes away now.”
“No!”
“If you don’t put them away you can’t watch television and maybe we won’t have dessert either!”
~sigh~
Has something like this ever happened at your household? (No, not mine either… ;-) ) Maybe it’s about putting away their shoes, their toys, hanging up their coat, whatever it is, we just want the thing done. Right?
Well, this article points out to consider that we are actually trying to do is exert control. As Jen aptly points out, “We parents have a bit of a habit of doing this with our children at the best of times, but when everything else around us seems out of control and also our children just won’t put their shoes away, the sense of a loss of control can feel like it’s taking us over and seem completely overwhelming.” Particularly during international moves and other significant transition periods, everyone in our home is feeling a loss of control.
What Happens?
Conventional parenting would say to stand your ground. Insist that they Do The Thing. Yet when we dig in and back up our initial (simple, easy) request, they dig in too. The game of Tug of War is on! It can quickly get contentious and hostile. Now there is no winning without one person backing down. Are we powerless to stop our child from walking all over us? Have we now lost all control as a parent?
What to do Instead
* Breathe *
Take a moment, count to five, take a deep breath, remind yourself: What’s the most important thing in this situation? Our relationship with our child. (Of course.) And that can help us to create space to respond in a different way.
Drop the Rope
If you aren’t digging in your heels for the fight, there is no fight. And there are two optional courses of action, depending if the behavior is a one-time occurence, or something that happens regularly.
For a one-off situation, consider modeling graciousness. “Demonstrate and model for them the authentic spirit and intention that we wish for them to possess.” They spilled a drink? What if you had spilled the drink? How wonderful if they would help you to clean it up. So do that for them. Consider what you would do for a dear friend, and treat your own child that way. Grab two towels, hand one over kindly, and get cleaning. Work on it together.
For a regular habit, like my teenage with the dishes, it is still your role as a parent to set expectations. You ask for the right behavior, and get a no. How do you respond? “Well, in our family we all help each other out. I’m happy to do it for you this time, and I’ll appreciate your help with it tomorrow.” It took about three days for her to get the hint!
If you need to reinforce the message, for example if there is backsliding, try something like: “Do you remember a few minutes ago I asked for your help putting dishes away? You didn’t want to help me, and now you’re asking me for my help. When you help me it makes me WANT to help you. When you don’t help me, it makes me feel like I don’t want to help you. I’m going to help you now, and tomorrow I’d really appreciate your help with the dishes.” Patiently explaining the implications of their actions and your feelings on the situation. Without guilt. Without shame. Without Tug of War.
Have you tried this approach before? How did it go? Let us know!
